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Submitted on
October 3, 2012
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I sat on the old trunk at the shore.
The lakes surface was sparkled by countless raindrops, falling from the
sky I could not look at.
It felt like the stars were crying with me.
It was like the whole world fell in silence.
All I could hear was the sound of my tears.
Falling, from my deaf face.
Crashing, through the water.
And sinking, to the ground.
Never seen again.
All left in me were the memories, paired with the sweet pain.
I was empty.
My heart was only a void,
and my soul was torn apart into a shadow of itself.
I stared into the water.
Time passed, but I did not care.
Time was something that did not longer matter.
The only time I cared of was the past.
Forever gone, but never forgotten.
I was done with everything.
I would have wished that it was me to be gone.
But I could not think of a more egoistic thought.
Wishing that would be like wishing you the hurt I feel now.
I always said that I would bear eternal pain for you.
I will.
Like the teardrops fading in the depths of the lake,
you left my now shattered world.
I will never forget the only one who ever really touched me.


Thank you…
No more words to say
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:iconnemonameless:
This is a moving and heartfelt tribute. You make us feel your pain with you. We have all felt loss, and we recognize it instantly in your work. Nothing else seems to matter any more, and knowing we can't go back, can't get back to where we were, it just kills us sometimes.

Your language is descriptive, and makes us feel what you are feeling along with you. It is honest, and brutal, and encourages empathy. You have written this so well we might as well be there experiencing it ourselves. I love the line where you said it felt like the stars were crying with you. I'm sure they were. If I had any tears left of my own I might cry with you too.

There are some minor grammatical / stylistic things that could be addressed, but not worth mentioning really. Gotta be careful with those, as they can detract from the message you are trying to convey and turn some people off. (Mostly just picky people like me though, haha)
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The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconthewitchofgrich:
This is very beautiful and emotional. The presence of the pain is everywhere, dominating the poem. We can feel the sadness over-pouring from it, consuming us. We feel with the poetic voice. We cry with it. And we definitely share its loss.

The lack of punctuation adds to the originality of the poem and makes it stand out and is emphasised with the lack of the strophes.

The enjambment is present in only one instance:
''The lake's surface was sparked by countless raindrops, falling from the sky I could not look at''

The end-lines dominate the poem. Every thought is sharp and full of emotion, but limited to the verse line. It is almost as if its power would be too great if it was let to embrace another line and stretch out. Each thought is powerful and the descriptiveness of the language makes it even sadder. The impact is definitely great.
What do you think?
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1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconaymenjoe:
aymenjoe Nov 4, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
featured [link]
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:iconcarminedevian:
CarmineDevian Nov 4, 2012  Student Writer
thx
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:iconzanerus:
Zanerus Oct 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Powerful and remorseful. It makes me wanna pick it apart to understand the event, but the meaning still stands as presented.

"I would have wished that it was me to be gone.
But I could not think of a more egoistic thought.
Wishing that would be like wishing you the hurt I feel now."

this line stands out the most as both a hint to the emotion behind it, a form of loss, as well as showing compassion and bitterness at once. An interesting mix.
Reply
:iconcarminedevian:
CarmineDevian Oct 7, 2012  Student Writer
Oh thank you, most of my work I do out of personal intentions are very emotional but this one is actually the only where I really have to try not to cry.
I am happy about your comment, Im glad it touches the people in some way so thank you
Reply
:iconzanerus:
Zanerus Oct 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Personal works can either be the best or the worst. really depends on how its handled. You did well here and should feel proud
Reply
:iconcarminedevian:
CarmineDevian Oct 7, 2012  Student Writer
Proud is not realy a feeling I relate this to, but I got what you wanted to say.
Thank you for your words
Reply
:iconzanerus:
Zanerus Oct 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yea proud isn't entirely what I meant. Your very welcome.
Reply
:icondestypuffari:
DestyPuffari Oct 6, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This is very amazing, I really really like it : )
Reply
:iconcarminedevian:
CarmineDevian Oct 6, 2012  Student Writer
Thanks so much, this one is a really important work for me
Reply
:icondestypuffari:
DestyPuffari Oct 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I can see that this has been wrote whit care : ) It really is amazing
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