Sta.sh
I sat on the old trunk at the shore.
The lakes surface was sparkled by countless raindrops, falling from the
sky I could not look at.
It felt like the stars were crying with me.
It was like the whole world fell in silence.
All I could hear was the sound of my tears.
Falling, from my deaf face.
Crashing, through the water.
And sinking, to the ground.
Never seen again.
All left in me were the memories, paired with the sweet pain.
I was empty.
My heart was only a void,
and my soul was torn apart into a shadow of itself.
I stared into the water.
Time passed, but I did not care.
Time was something that did not longer matter.
The only time I cared of was the past.
Forever gone, but never forgotten.
I was done with everything.
I would have wished that it was me to be gone.
But I could not think of a more egoistic thought.
Wishing that would be like wishing you the hurt I feel now.
I always said that I would bear eternal pain for you.
I will.
Like the teardrops fading in the depths of the lake,
you left my now shattered world.
I will never forget the only one who ever really touched me.
Thank you…
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The lack of punctuation adds to the originality of the poem and makes it stand out and is emphasised with the lack of the strophes.
The enjambment is present in only one instance:
''The lake's surface was sparked by countless raindrops, falling from the sky I could not look at''
The end-lines dominate the poem. Every thought is sharp and full of emotion, but limited to the verse line. It is almost as if its power would be too great if it was let to embrace another line and stretch out. Each thought is powerful and the descriptiveness of the language makes it even sadder. The impact is definitely great.
Your language is descriptive, and makes us feel what you are feeling along with you. It is honest, and brutal, and encourages empathy. You have written this so well we might as well be there experiencing it ourselves. I love the line where you said it felt like the stars were crying with you. I'm sure they were. If I had any tears left of my own I might cry with you too.
There are some minor grammatical / stylistic things that could be addressed, but not worth mentioning really. Gotta be careful with those, as they can detract from the message you are trying to convey and turn some people off. (Mostly just picky people like me though, haha)
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